Pass Me That TV Guide

11/2/07

Since I was probably old enough to walk, there have been few things I can say with certainty I continue to do to this very day.

The first would be eating Doritos. I was introduced to wonder that is the awesome triangle shaped piece of heaven when I was too young to know what addictions were. However to this day, you will never come into my house, apartment or dorm room without finding at least one (but probably two or three) bags. Give me a bag of doritos and a can of coke, and I'm not sure theres happier feeling my mouth experiences. (get your heads out of the gutters please)

The other thing I've been doing non-stop since I was saying my first words was watching television.

Now obviously television in the early 90's is nothing like television now. But my earliest memories of television were watching the really old episodes of Batman with Adam West, as well Bob Barker on the Price is Right. My favorite part of the Price is Right was the game they played at the end when a contestant had a chance to win a car by correctly selecting 4 cards with letters C,A,R and a picture of a Car which would have meant they won. One time, and mind you- I was maybe 5 years old at the time, the contestant had a C and an A on his first two picks, so things were looking good. However his hopes were dashed, as he picked up another C, and another A. Now at 5 years old, seeing C-A-C-A spelled came across as one of the funniest things imaginable, and to this day it makes me smile.

Over the years, television has remained the focal point of my time spent home. The programs which used to pass the time were Saved by the Bell (not the fucking college years or the new class, but the classics), Boy Meets World, Full House, Family Matters, Darkwing Duck, Pinky and the Brain, Rocko's Modern Life, Are you Afraid of the Dark (which scared to the point where I would watch entire episodes with my hands in front of my eyes) Goosebumps, Doug (before it moved to ABC, when the voice of Doug changed leaving me too annoyed to keep watching) and Ahhh Real Monsters.

As I got older, I was introduced to Wrestling, and I became an instant fanatic. Monday Night Raw, Thursday night Smackdown and ordering the Pay-per-views once a month was the life. From The Rock (before he sold out and started making terrible movies), Stone Cold Steve Austin (before he got hurt), D-X when Triple H, X-PAC, the Road Dogg and Bad Ass Billy Gunn were part of it. That was entertainment. Fake as a pair of tits in Beverly Hills, but worth the two hours I spent watching it Monday and Thursday nights.

Then I was introduced to Network Television around the time Wrestling started to get redundant and ridiculous. Seinfeld, Friends and ER was where it all began for me. Watching Dr. Green die a bunch of seasons back remains one of the most traumatic things I've ever watched on TV that wasn't part of real life. Then slowly I branched out, 24 became a huge hit among me and my good friend Eitan back in our freshman year of high school (thats right, we have been watching Jack since day 1-literally).

Then I really was able to find out what good television was when HBO was picked up in my multiple households. Now I admit that I did not start watching Sopranos until seasons 4 and 5, and didn't start watching it one a weekly basis until the final season. But Sex and the City was a big favorite of mine (laugh all you want, the show was terrific), Ali G? Watching the second season every Sunday night with some friends became a ritual for all 6 episodes.

And we skip ahead to today, where I find myself watching (a minimum) of 4 to 6 hours of TV ever day, after 6pm.

Now I have excluded watching Sports, because that would put my numbers at a point where many of you would wonder if I ever leave my room- to which I would answer you- not often enough.

But I have gotten so bad with television that when I dont have class, or choose not to go, I watch the televised simulcast of Mike and Mad Dog on YES every day. I watch SportsCenter and/or SportsNite on SNY at 6, some combination of Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens and Two and Half Men between 6:30 and 8. If one of my teams isn't playing (and sometimes even if they are, thanks to the greatest invention in history- DVR) I will watch network programming, whether it be House (surprisingly fun to watch), How I Met Your Mother and my new favorite, Pushing Daises (again, laugh all you want, but this show is just flat out good).

By 11, the shows are all over. But not so fast. Freshman year I had trouble falling asleep thanks to a variety of issues, and Late Night television became a new vice. Letterman. Leno. Conan. Once in a while even Craig Ferguson when Conan is a repeat.

And when all this great (at least in my opinion) television is on, now I get to enjoy it in High Definition, which after DVR is one of the greatest technological achievements we may ever see.

So there are literally nights where from 6 until 1:30 in the morning, my television isn't shut off.

How do I get work done you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

But not only has television completely run my life since the first Bush was president, but now because of the advancements like DVR and DVD's, I can continue to watch my favorite shows even when they aren't on.

Pathetic? You know it. And I'm proud of it, although if you ask my father he would probably be in favor of banning a television from my room until I was old enough to buy one myself.

But for now, I'm gonna get going because its almost 2 in the afternoon, I don't have class, and my television is calling.

Now If I could only remember where I left that damn remote.