Where Do I Begin

12/25/07

Feliz Navidad to all you gentiles out there.

Being Jewish however, I don't know where to begin with my issues with Christmas.

Maybe it comes down to a simple case of jealousy for not being able to take part in the lights and the gifts and the feast and the fat man.

But I seriously doubt it.

Christmas is without question one of the greatest commercial successes in history, as the holiness of the holiday has been buried deep beneath the sales and songs the green and red have to offer.

I previously ranted about how utterly meaningless Hanukkah is, however the more I think about it, Christmas might not be quite as irrelevant, however it annoys me twice as much.

First of all, Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ (correct me if I'm wrong Christian friends of mine). And the last time I checked, Jesus was- thats right- Jewish.

It makes me wonder if its worth offering the Christians some of our other more notable tribe members to create a holiday in honor of- Albert Einstein? Jerry Seinfeld? How about Ralph Lauren?

Next on my list is the fucking lights. Yeah, they look nice but a lot of people go over the top, creating a sight not only visable from space, but I can only imagine the warm feelings of the neighbors of these schmucks.

And did you ever wonder why Jewish people don't decorate their homes with blue and white lights?

Two words: Electric bill.

Moving on, we come to Big Red. Santa Claus, by far, one of the five people, real or fictional, I absolutely have zero patience for.

Find SC for me in the Bible and maybe I'll have some respect for him.

And maybe one of these years he uses the 364 days a year he isn't working to hit the gym. Those poor reindeer probably have back conditions schelping his fat ass around all night.

I would write something witty about Christmas music, however to be blunt, It's about as appealing to my ears as dog shit is to my nose.

Maybe if I only had to hear it on the radio for a few days, maybe a week, but from Thanksgiving until today? Too much.

Then you have the yule log, which I can't imagine anybody celebrating Christmas is proud of. Staring at a lump of shit caught on fire to the tunes of silent night strikes me as something even Santa might find irritating. Then again roast some marshmallows over it and he's parking his ass right next to it.

Whats up with the Tree? More lights, red and green ceramics and figurines of your favorite star trek characters? Group it over there with the lights as something that really serves no purpose beyond aesthetics. Then again like almost every holiday, the true meaning of Christmas (if you choose to believe in such myths- which I do only because the tooth fairy insisted so when I woke up one night catching her stiffing me on the third tooth I lost- 1 dollar for a tooth? ill keep the tooth...)

Theres also the awkwardness which ensues upon somebody wishing me a Merry Christmas when I clearly advertise my jewness on the front of my face- right under my eyes, between my ears and above my mouth).

If only it were socially acceptable to give this answer to somebody wishing me a Merry Christmas:

No thanks, I'd rather honor the 6 million of my people murdered- because that ACTUALLY happened (unless you're talking to Mel Gibson's dad of course, so I would have no choice but to accept a seasons greetings from him)

Alright so that's a bit harsh, I'll leave it at no thank you.

I can't knock the gift giving, but thats because Hannukah brings with it 8 nights of gift giving, compared to one morning.

Of course the worst part of Christmas is that it proves Jews really don't rule the world, because EVERYTHING short of the movies and Chinese restaurants is closed, which of course is where the Jewish Christmas Day Tradition of Movies and Moo Shoo comes from.

Christmas eve isn't any better, as everything closes ridiculously early (for instance, the gym in my predominantly Jewish building closed at 2 in the afternoon yesterday, yet will be open from 12-5 today).

Christians, i ask of you to pick one. You can't take away an entire evening followed by an entire day.

As for this Jew will be spending his Christmas?

After I utilize the generosity of my gym for being opened today, I'll be heading into the city to see a movie, followed by dinner at the Szechuan Inn.

Only thing at this point left to say?

Merry Christmas everyone.